Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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