Jerry, you need to find god
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
