Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
