Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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