Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
