I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
