nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
