Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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