I CAN MOONWALK!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
