A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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