i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize