my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
