Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We don't watch enough power rangers
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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