if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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