I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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