Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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