Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
