My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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