the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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