Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
