its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
