Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
