This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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