I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
