Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
