I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The Olympian is in my bed
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize