my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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