Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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