my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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