he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
