Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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