1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize