Got a toothbrush?
plz talk dirty to me
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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