I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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