Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
