The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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