I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
two words...techno handjob
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
