she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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