theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
