i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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