Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
