my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
