I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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