I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
