If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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