dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
