I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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