i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
