My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
