When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
