someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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