it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
