So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
