What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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