The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
