We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Randomize
