Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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