I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
