Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
